A bit of self-promotion

I recently wrote a short radio-play for a friend’s revisionist history ten-minute radio-play series.  If you’d like to get a sneak peak at it before we record them for podcasts, there will be a live performance of them on October 6th at “The Red Room” on 85 E 4th Street at 7:30.  Here’s a sneak peak at a scene from my play.

INT. PRESS CONFERENCE — DAY

SFX

Cameras flashing … continue reading this entry.

Thor and the Lightning Pole

A small Nordic camp, 1100 years ago.  A cloudy Thursday.
ERIK and OLEG stand in front of KING LEIF.
LEIF
So where are we on this whole “lightning destroying our crops” thing?
ERIK
I’ve noticed that lightning seems to be attracted to tall things and metal.
OLEG
I think Thor’s mad at us.  Or drunk.  It’s hard to tell the difference. … continue reading this entry.

I want to be a headline writer!

If only this article had a headline demeaning my intelligence...

"If only this article had a headline demeaning my intelligence..."

I really love my new job.  I hang around with kids all day and I just try to make sure they have fun, don’t hurt themselves, and hopefully learn something.  It’s incredibly rewarding and it’s a ton of fun.  The unfortunate thing is, my job ends at the end of October.  That’s just when our season’s over, and there’s nothing I can do about it.  So, I’ve got to start getting ready to go job hunting soon.  Luckily, I think I’ve found the new great career for me: headline writer.

I’m not trying to buck the system here.  I want to do as good a job as all the great headline writers out there.  So I’m doing my research.  I think it’ll be a great exercise for me to take a look at how the pros do it, then maybe I’ll be ready to take a shot at it myself! … continue reading this entry.

Undivine DNA

(THE GOD OF ABRAHAM, ISAAC, AND JACOB snoozes in his lounge chair.  ARCHANGEL MICHAEL storms in and slams a newspaper down on God’s lap, waking him up.)

GOD

Aaaaah!

MICHAEL

Have you seen what they’ve done now?

GOD

What!?  Who?!  I’m taking a nap, you slam a paper on my lap and ask me these questions!

MICHAEL

The monkeys, sir!  Who else? … continue reading this entry.

Four Skeptical Men

Instead of seeing this as thievery, let’s just see this as my homage to the classic “Four Yorkshiremen” sketch.

(GEORGE, JAMES, STEVEN, and TIM stand around holding beers.)

GEORGE

Great that we have these monthly meetings. … continue reading this entry.

An Excerpt from Deepak Chopra’s New Version of a Classic

Deepak!  Deepak!  Cameras over here!  Look here!  Here!  Oh forget it...

Deepak! Deepak! Camera's over here! Look here! Here! Oh forget it...

A note for the litigiously minded:

This is a work of parody.  No one here is saying Deepak Chopra actually was offered Everybody Poops.  No one’s saying these would be his words if he got the book (although honestly, I suspect I’m close).  I’m not even saying Deepak definitely exists.  If any of this is unclear to you as you read this blog, might I humbly suggest you stop being so litigious before you’re able to be literate?  And if Mr. Chopra (who may/may not exist) happens upon this post and gets excited about his changes to Everybody Poops, I apologize.  It was never my intention to toy with him like that. … continue reading this entry.

New Study Shows Acupuncture Good for Headaches, When Combined with Aspirin

How will this picture effect you?

How will this picture effect you?

NEW YORK, NY.  The world of science was rocked today as another study showing the efficacy of traditional Chinese medicine was published.  In a startling study published today in the National Journal of Woowadoo, Scientists from New York University have shown that, acupuncture, when combined with a mild pain reliever, may have a strong impact upon headaches.  “We’ve seen for a long time that acupuncture can have an impact upon pain,” said Dr. Don Samuels, head researcher on the team.  “Along with that recent study showing how acupuncture can help curb anxiety in dental offices, I don’t see how anyone can look at this stuff any differently!  This is just one more nail in the coffin for allopathic medicine.”

The mean level of headache amongst twenty patients was a 21 out of  a possible 28 on the “Ouchie” scale.  Patients given the combination of acupuncture and aspirin managed to drop an average of 13 ouchies, in comparison with patients treated with chocolate, who seemed to only drop around three ouchies each.  The findings have suggested that acupuncture could be used to fight headaches, as long as used alongside two regular aspirin pills. … continue reading this entry.

The End of the World is Already Here

This picture?  It used to be of your planet.  Now arent you sorry you wasted time recycling?

This picture? It used to be of your planet. Now aren't you sorry you wasted time recycling?

On Tuesday, the Large Hadron Collider was finally activated, sending protons whizzing at each other at nearly the speed of light, smashing together with almost the force necessary to singe a piece of toast.  That may not sound like much, but don’t forget, compared to protons, a piece of toast is big.  But you may be asking, “Toast?  Why is toast important?”  And I’ll tell you why, because of what the toast represents.  It represents the start of protons colliding at the Large Hadron Collider, and therefore, THE END OF THE WORLD.

I don’t speak lightly here.  I’ve seen the news stories, I’ve read the message board posts, I’ve seen the lawsuits, I know what’s out there.  Strangelets.  Lets- that are strange.  World enders, people WORLD ENDERS!  Look at your hands.  Now they’re gone.  Look at your feet.  GONE.  Look at your genitals – don’t even look, I don’t want you to get that frightened.  I think it’s safe to say that there’s nothing safe anymore.  James Cameron was right.  Science is out to destroy the world. … continue reading this entry.

Travis is Asked to Join the Sea Org Too Early

The inspiration for this sketch is an AP article about a former Sea Org member trying to sue Scientology for back pay.  I’m fairly certain getting someone to join the Sea Org is pretty much the worst thing you could ever do to them, so I really hope the members win their case.  Also, if anyone out there has NOT found the time to sit down and watch the Steven Fishman Deposition, might I humbly suggest it. … continue reading this entry.

This is meant in jest

dsbanner06There are times when it is difficult to think of something new to write about, and in those times, I occasionally tap the well of science stories looking for something to say which will amuse, at the very least, me.  I request you not take this article seriously.

Scientists have done a recent study which points to the efficacy of ethanol based hand sanitizers over soap and water for helping keep away the common cold and I would like to say, thank god we finally have a cure for the common cold we can all get behind.  That’s right folks, it’s time to get really drunk. … continue reading this entry.

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